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{ COMMS } Carrd + Ko-fi!
2 min read
HI HEY HI ITS BEEN A WHILE SINCE I OPENED THEM??
i want to post this here too because i took the most commissions here (possibly only ever here? i forgor) back in the day, in case you've ever wanted to see them again shdjahsd
i will eventually bring back some options from back then, like the color-overlayed fullbodies~ (i still haven't cleared the last two batches from my stash actually.)
and even later, i'll be adding some quite different ones that i think will be very interesting. might make your character look like they belong in a piece of audiovisual media ; )))
my style has changed tons since then, to a degree that might be surprising?? idk??? but i have tons of ideas sdfhjsdhf please look forwarddd
but for now, i'm offering something sketchy/atmospheric + a pay-what-you-want experimental option!
. . .
[ https://11eon-comms.carrd.co ]
. . .
i don't expect them to get filled up too quickly, but i like the slow pace atm because i'm gauging tons of things as if it was my first time pretty much :,,D
i once again state that my braincells have only activated in 2021 so anything before then is really spotty and lost, so that's pretty much the situation lmao.
oh btw managed to open them now, of all times, because my phone fell into water and i need to pay for repairs HAHAHA so helpb 💀
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Ko-fi membership tier++!
2 min read
I've been looking at Ko-fi a bit more these days — setting up possible commissions and such.
SO and I still aren't in the clear financially. I wish things like these just went away by not mentioning them for a while. :,,)
I've been debating whether to open some, but I've already got some big projects going on and I really can't take on anything else too complex...
however, I still managed to set something up!
[ become a monthly member on Ko-fi? ]
at the moment, I just have one €2 tier set up.
I offer a sketchy little drawing of a character every 3 months, and access to all the playable demo files of any game I'm working on at the time.
the tier also includes access to all the files in the Flash Retrospective thread, in full resolution, downloadable and playable! (as opposed to the crappy low-res preview in a Twitter-compressed video...)
I'm still going to set up commissions in 2022, when I'm done with the current projects.
the prizes from the Twitter raffles should serve as examples for then.
they'll be available on Ko-fi, with a matching carrdco site for more details!
it's a lot of stuff for me to look forward to setting up.
but I feel so alive these days... haha.
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as I said on the raffle tweet, I'm streaming to roll the winners and then will be starting to draw them!
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# what do I want from 2020...?
6 min read
I'll try to keep the life segment (or better, the entire thing) short -- my personal/casual Twitter account is better dedicated to this sort of ramble.
2019... this is possibly the hardest, yet most hopeful year I've lived so far.
- The whole Philippines affair sent me into a hell of a crisis. I can't hide that I'm still seething, thinking of how much damage to my mental health and my creative drive it did.
But despite this, I made it out alive. - I now live with the person I love, and together we are rebuilding our lives.
I'm learning French along the way! Kind of necessary if you live in France... and if you want to finally study what you were meant to 6 years ago. - Fully realizing and accepting my trans-nonbinary identity has changed a lot in my head. Euphoria and dysphoria are.. . a hell of a rollercoaster... 8') I'm really thinking of surgery.
- Since following some things regarding ADHD, EFD and other conditions that make daily attentive functioning really difficult... I'm having my suspects. Too early to say anything for sure.
I remember writing bigger achievements last year... the Philippines thing really put a huge dent into everything.
But considering I have this new life to look forward to, I guess I can put that behind me. :'')
So, let me think about what I want to do with my art.
What do I want to do next?
The most I want, is to finish things and present them to you all.
I've mentioned this before, but, my impossible standards kept me from being active for a long time. They still do.
I'm often so close to carrying through with an idea, but I can always find 10 reasons why I'll hate it.
And after the hyperfocus buzz is gone, I can't ever bring myself to resume anything.
Cue vicious cycle, low self esteem, the "lol I forgot my coloring style" half-joke and piles of scrapped things with tons of potential.
It's so exhausting. I don't want to face this huge wall every time I'm about to do something that I would look back to with pride.
So, future self: stop trying hard and just make stuff that ~sparks joy~, and stuff will fall into place!! >:00
S M A L L I S O K A Y
My list of 2020 Objectives is safe in my notes, but I think I can allow myself to share some -- but not all -- of my thoughts on them.
- .+ One drawing per month
I more or less managed in 2019! It's a big improvement from the routine of "1 drawing, have a mental breakdown or burnout, disappear for months, apologize, repeat ad nauseam"... : D
Then again, Wired Seed is... not quite "one drawing"... I'll, um, give myself some leeway there. - .+ A proper period of rest, a.k.a. hiatus.
...right after "one drawing per month" lmfao.
But the two don't have to be mutually exclusive.
I don't know if I'll go through with it this year. If I start college/courses/school right away, I'll probably have to if I don't want to burnout.
I know I absolutely need it :'') but I want to organize this better, optimally so that it won't affect my uploading frequency too drastically.
I'll figure something out. - .+ Animated and interactive projects
Flash may be replaced soon, but I'm sticking with it. And if publishing really is impossible, I'll skip ahead to making gamelets with another program.
I want to be patient when it comes to these. Storyboarding, mechanics planning, code testing and all that mess. Likely with music made by me. I have lots of ideas, but they'll need filtering and consolidating.
I hope you'll enjoy following along~ ^o^ - .+ Aesthetic / Page layout / Presentation things
Let's just say I'm terrible at keeping up page appearances and stuff on all my art-related accounts lmao
But I don't want to promise myself big overhauls. Rather, I want small but controlled efforts.
If I end up doing a big overhaul anyway, I'll consider that a fun bonus~ ...unless it burns me out, in which case istg - .+ Commission offers
I've been... really rusty with owed art haha.
But I'm revising the journal, styles, prices, everything revolving around them. Especially since I foresee some important expenses in the near future.
I know I said I would open some last September, but it was more difficult than I thought to get back up to speed in France. I want to make up for it this year! ; o ; - .+ Streaming, trades and other things with you people!
I missed interacting with you all ever since I became more shy and reclusive. Being more social this year has been so worth it.
I want to keep this up!
I'll ruminate on the specifics for now, until something will be released.
But I really want to be able to give something to you all, even if I can't reach absolutely everyone. ; u ;
If I get stuck trying to be too specific with this journal, it'll never end lmao -- so I'll save that for my private notes.
I apologize if I'm too vague at the moment. It helps me, in a sense.
I hope things will be clear once they happens, haha,,~
So, future self: even if you only do 50% of these, this will be a great year!! you've got the rest of your objectives in your notes, so don't feel obligated to do Exactly This Thing jfc.
I'll be off to organize myself, I suppose~ \<o<
"Starting" something has always been awkward for me... but you know the thing about how "the perfect time" does not exist and all? Yeah.
So I try to remind myself that "awkward start" is tons better than no start at all.
...
I've said this before, but, well...
Seeing you all bustling with activity, art, projects and everything else fills me with life. Every little gesture of appreciation for what I do, even more so.
I know I would never have developed as much as I did without you. I really do feel like I'm not alone. y u y
So thank you, watcher and reader, for tagging along with me up until now.
I hope we can keep doing this for even longer.
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# my IRL situation, part two(!)
8 min read
it’s been a while since the last trace of activity on my part! ...again.
IRL has been a constant up and down — which is kind of the norm for me, I guess haha. alienation+paranoia squad where?
I thought I’d finally write the follow-up Journal to [ this ].
A lot of things have gotten a lot better.
Living place.
We used to be forced to travel to my local relatives’ house everyday, for electric current to charge our devices and Internet access. The slums I referred to — rabid dogs and flies and all — were the location of said house.
When we settled and got the electricity contract in our own place, I didn’t have to go there anymore.
Definitely an improvement.
Although, we do go there from time to time. It’s as sad and disheartening to see as it was on the first day tbh... but my relatives here think nothing of it.
As you’d think, a “frog in the boiling water” sort of deal.
If there’s any downsides to my current place,
> the bed is really uncomfortable and gives me back pain if I don’t lay in certain ways;
> I don’t have a proper desk to sit at privately.
It still detracts from my drawing motivation, but I pull through at night on the dinner table, when no one’s awake. If it hasn’t rained. And if moths aren’t throwing themselves at me.
The dinner table is outside...
Our foundling puppies
Thanks to the donations by some of you, we have afforded medicines and hygienic products for them!
They’ve grown quite well. One of them was on the verge of hairlessness, but now has really nice smooth fur - u -
May or may not provide photos on Twitter.
Also uh
Wow, do dogs grow fast. , ___ ,
They’re not particularly big and I don’t think they’ll grow further (they’re like 6+ months old, I think?), but dang they’re heavy already ndsdnsdn
If there’s anything that these dogs have taught me, it’s the confirmation that I’m seriously more of a cat person,,
These two can be cute, sure, but they’re super clumsy and way too rabid-excitable... makes me kinda uncomfortable y _ y
Family [TW: Domestic abuse/neglect]
Dad, who didn’t come with me and mom and is comfortably staying in Italy, dumped mom. Over the phone, with a message.
Hah. Not surprised.
It’s so weird though, fitting into the definition of “child of divorced parents”... haha. It doesn’t feel like anything. It’s just a good riddance.
If you’re a long-time watcher... I’m deeply sorry for all the bad vents about him I’ve wrotten in the past :’U. I like to believe I’m not a cringy teen anymore, but you be the judge lmfao
Seriously speaking, I fully expected the “family” to completely shatter at any point.
It was already broken as is.
Him terrorizing us with his unpredictable moods and egotistical pettiness and all.
Or how my grandma would constantly hit and scream at my grandpa, who was suffering from dementia until he died.
Or how dad still yells at and disrespects my grandma when he visits her at the hospice.
Or even how mom is a borderline gambling addict with no restraint nor willingness to think at all.
It doesn’t really feel like yesterday anymore, but... the memories of walking on eggshells everyday, not trusting his good days with the full knowledge that it won’t last, enduring his outbursts that came from literally no reason at all, bracing for very loud arguments and insults on a regular basis, ...resisting mom’s pleas to borrow money, being constantly guilt-tripped and made to feel in the wrong, venting to friends literally every other day, and hiding as much as possible in my room? They’re still in there.
I know it could’ve been worse. Dad was not alcoholic, had a stable job, and very rarely actually hit me or mom. Mom could’ve been violent too. You name it.
I’m already incredibly lucky to have found my SO.
I’d be far, far worse off without him.
But I also know that it could’ve been better, and I still deserved better nurture and parenting, just like any other child.
The few little self-harm scars on my wrists/forearms are fairly visible if you look for them, and I still have the occasional nightmare about the whole thing.
But time away from his house was quite therapeutic, and knowing that it’s all going to be over soon and I’m finally going to be in a safe place — for real this time!! — is such an uplifting thing.
”There’s no such thing as 100% healing, but there is 100% acceptance”, as they say.
Makes me want to reassure any of you who still live in an abusive/neglectful household, that you still have the chance to live a proper happy life where you are valued.
I can’t give any other suggestions than small obvious-sounding things — Stay strong, you know you’re right and they’re wrong. You deserve better, be proud of your strengths. Stick to your safe spaces as much as you can. It feels like forever, but it won’t be. One day, it’ll all feel so distant. — but I really do think that it’s absolutely not over yet for you.
You can re-invent yourself in little ways everyday. And one day, you’ll be the best version of you.
I’m gonna make sure that the cycle of parental abuse in my family ends with my generation.
And I trust that you can end yours too.
Plane Ticket
Onto business now.
I was able to get a plane ticket to Italy with some savings.
Gool ol’ aforementioned parental unit is helping out as he promised, at least.
Italy is just a temporary stop to fetch my money and my stuff, really.
While I’m there, I really want to meet one last time with my favourite high school teachers, chess club and music club teachers+bandmates. Instead of being locked in by mr. parental unit and forced to move stuff out, because he has zero emotional awareness of the concept of “catching up with loved ones and sharing bittersweet feelings” and didn’t think of doing it earlier.
After Italy... aaahahhhh ;;
My long-distance relationship is upgrading to a co-living one,,,11!one
We’re moving in and building a life, but for good this time??
God, it’s still so surreal.., T _ T
Packages
With both my budget and my SO’s, apparently I’ll be able to send my packages too! Which I would’ve preferred to send earlier, but guess what, parental unit went in tyranny mode. Nothing new.
Bad memory + fragile egotistical pride = horrible combination my dudes.
Being a stingy ass is of more value than his own child’s sentimental value for their possessions, apparently.
But that means he can’t stop me, or complain minimally, if I decide to send everything and share the entire payment between me and my SO.
SO saving my life in literally every way ever over there lmfao. Seriously, he’s so wonderful. TT D TT
Art — what’s next?
Only one commission left! And then I’ll freely experiment with the Contest Prizes, likely when I’ll be away from here.
Sometimes I feel like I forget a lot about what I do.
Ideas I’ve had, styles I’ve drawn in. Things I _haven’t_ explained and explored with y’all about my story/ies , . ,
The reason why I’m very obsessive about note-keeping and organization, despite being messy af with it ;’’’)
If there’s something I’d like to do asap, is experiment reproducing and expanding on my old art. I’d love to pick up digital watercoloring again.. :’’D
In any case!, it’ll feel amazing to be back for good. aa,,
New and updated Commission and Trade sheets, Picarto streams, Flash gamelets, animations, regular ol’ drawings.
There’s almost nothing to stop me this time, so I better be there for my past self’s hopes and dreams. > : (
I seriously can’t wait to show y’all what’s gonna happen next. I hope we can share the excitement!
//switches gears—
hey, wow. that was a lot to read huh?
but seriously, thank you for catching up and being with me up to this point quq
cheesy as is, I again thank you for every single thing you provide me with in here. ; __ ;
every pageview, favourite, comment, reply, watch, discussion, livestream participation, support message, adoptable bought, trade, commission, everything.
they may be small things on their own, but,,; they all create such a vivid and exciting experience.
you best bet I’m not stopping anytime soon haha a ,,
just gotta take like a week to like,, fly big mechanical birds and put dropped loot back in my inventory and all that fun stuff.
but basically ye, I’ll be back in action very soon!! maybe even more actively than I’ve ever been.
if I end up uploading during my travel break, don’t worry, it’s just the FBI agent assigned to me. I bribed them. they’re very nice.
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